Hamsters, Hobbits and Supermarkets
by Spooks Apprentice
Summary: Frodo throws a birthday party at the local supermarket for his invisible pet Hamster Chad who is the Ringbearer. All of Middle Earth is invited to the event where Frodo drinks too much coffee and Chad shows off his powers.


_We don't own Lord of the Rings. Enjoy reading!_

One day Frodo began to plan a party. His Mega-Hamster was turning 3 and everyone loved Chad the Mega-Hamster! He was not just Frodo's pet, but Hobbiton's! The local supermarket asked him to throw his party there for promotional reasons. Frodo leapt at the chance (they stocked the best quality Hamster hampers.)

Chad was the keeper of the Ring and as he wore it all the time, his existence was sometimes disputed in pubs in the early hours. But Frodo was adamant that Chad was there and Hobbiton would never give up a chance to party.

Frodo has already hired disco lights and waiters. He even made a map of the supermarket for all the Hobbits that could get lost in there. Refreshments were all organized (LOTS of coffee!) and Sam and the Gaffer had donated some of their prize topiary as decorations.

With that done, Frodo got out his pink leather address book and mobile to text guests. Frodo had Gandalf, Sam, Merry and Pippin get out their phones as well so didn't have to pay for all the messages needing to be sent.

The Hobbits and Wizard sat up late into the night texting everyone in Middle Earth. They put ice packs on their thumbs which were worn to the bone from 5 hours straight text messaging. Their fingers became cramped into button punching positions and refused to move by the time they were finished. They relaxed with mugs full of hot coffee, though they had to use their feet to drink it because their fingers refused to budge. Chad was sleeping near the warm fire; he had a big day ahead of him.

Frodo kicked the boys out and they hunched off into the night. Frodo himself hunched into his bedroom and lay like a crumpled piano accordion on his mattress. His sleeping drugs took over and he fell asleep.

During the night, a skinny, spider-like creature scarpered in around the house with a reel of toilet paper inscribed with 'My Precious' covering the hobbit mound in tightly wound wrapping. Just before he left he reached inside a window and grabbed an invisible lump of warm fur. It was soft and cuddly and he liked it. He began thinking about the supermarket which he owned, and where Chad's birthday was being held. This supermarket would bring him his fortune and the money to continue his search for the Precious. Little did he know he was holding the Precious in his 'daily plastered with Nivea men's moisturizer' hands.

Gollum scampered into the grey dawn just as Frodo's drugs wore off. He woke up and went to make last minute arrangements for the party-like scones, vending machines and the bagpipe orchestra. The bagpipe orchestra was made up of Gimli and his extended family as they were the only REAL bagpipists around. Elves had tried many times to master the mysterious bagpipes but it didn't work. According to the dwarves, the reason for their talent was their beards. But back to the story…

Frodo downed six coffees and applied a caffeine patch to hold off the next fix. He then took his pills and settled into his McHobbit Brekky Burger™, He was glad that the pharmacy was next to Gollum's supermarket.

Frodo then went to the Gaffer's house and threw rocks at Sam's window until he woke. This took a long time as Sam had taken to wearing super-soundproof earmuffs to combat the noise the Oliphant in his backyard made. Sam finally woke up when a rather large rock broke his window.

Sam threw it back, thinking it was just the local drug dealer Tom Bombadil on hallucinogens again.

'Ouch, Sam! You hit my foot,' yelled the unmistakable voice of Frodo. Sam gasped in horror. He'd hit Frodo! He ran outside in his Nazgul pajamas and begged Frodo to forgive him.

'I forgive you. May I keep Damien?' Frodo slurred in reference to the rock. His face had a spaced out expression. 'Oh no,' Sam thought, 'He must've accidentally taken sleeping pills with coffee'

Sam rushed off to get a glass of water to revive Frodo. He threw it in Frodo's face and towed him back to Bag End. Frodo got changed, had another coffee and headed off to the supermarket, carrying Chad's cage.

The day was sunny and the puffy clouds glittered in the sunlight. Already quite a crowd had turned up and the Bagpipe Orchestra was in full swing. A banner had 'Happy Birthday Chad' written on it. This party was going to be bigger and better than even Bilbo's eleventy eleventh birthday party. The young Hobbits were having trolley races down the supermarket aisle's much to their delight.

The dull supermarket music fell in to the atmosphere and checkout chicks did Breakdancing to the tunes. One even had a beard. And there on the table of honour sat a huge platter of hamster delicacies. Frodo set Chad's cage next to it, opening the latch, and then walking off to join in on the frivolities.

As the day wore on, Frodo began to perceive something strange through his caffeine haze.

'Where was Chad?'

He was hard to find because he was invisible, but Frodo got the feeling something was wrong. So in the middle of a dance he went to a checkout and used it's microphone to communicate his fears.

'Hello everyone, this is Frodo, Chad's owner. Chad has gone missing, but please stay calm. Chad, as you know, is invisible, but I think we should still search for him. After all, he is the Birthday Boy.'

The room broke into panic. Everybody ran around searching for Chad. Shelves and produce were obliterated in the calamity. Suddenly all the lights went out. Then just one flicked back on at the customer service counter.

'Attention all shoppers. We haves Chad and you nasty little hobbitses can't have him. He's my precious! Thank you for shopping at Hobbiton supermarket!'

There was shocked silence for a few dreadful moments, then uproar! Chad would not be rescued unless this screaming mass shut up. That's exactly what the Witch King and Elrond were discussing over a game of checkers. Despite his fearsome appearance, the Witch King was a real softie and felt badly for Frodo. Then Elrond took 5 of the Witch Kings checkers and he burst into tears.

Meanwhile, Frodo had gathered together a crack squad of Chad –finders! All were armed to the teeth with Hamster food, non harmful Hamster traps, infra red goggles and walkie talkies. Time to rescue Chad from the moisturized clutches of Gollum.

Frodo with Sam, Gimli and Boromir were to take aisle 1 and Legolas would take the rest. The rest of the team was in charge of refreshments.

They quickly set about setting up Hamster traps and searching methodically for Chad. They also looked for Gollum as it was highly likely he was trying to take the Ring off Chad that very moment. Frodo was glad he welded the Ring to Chad's claw as a safety precaution. Suddenly they came to the deli area. There was Gollum fighting with a lightsabre that was seemingly wielded by and invisible Hamster.

'We've found 'em.' Boromir whispered into his walkie talkie. The group snuck up to watch the battle.

The fight was intense and hard. They were evenly matched, Gollum may have been bigger but Chad had been trained in the ways of the Jedi.

Master Chad Windu parried and blocked all Gollum's attacks with grace. He was one with the Force and he knew he was all powerful.

'!$5(&+$#?!..' Chad exclaimed in Hamster. Gollum had managed to get his teeth latched firmly onto Chad's lightsabre hilt. Chad was in trouble! He needed to concentrate. Words of Jedi wisdom flowed into his mind.

'May the force be with you, always…'

'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering…'

'I don't want to buy any deathsticks…'

Mustering his power, invisible Chad flicked Gollum off the sabre and threw him out the window with a force push.

By this time a large crowd had gathered to watch Chad fight with Gollum. They were all eating popcorn and drinking energy drinks, watching Chad with adoration. Chad had saved the Ring and Hobbiton! What a hero. The celebrations began all over again.

Outside Gollum was screaming 'My precious,' only to be shut up by a glare from Sam. A night with the Oliphants would fix him.

The victory party had arrived at a perfect time for Frodo; he had been getting jitters from lack of coffee. An hour later and he was jittery from too much coffee. By the end of the night Frodo had become so intoxicated he was wearing a tutu and doing Tai Chi with Galadriel, who had eaten a bit too much of the scone tower. Chad had escaped straight after the battle to be with a lady Hamster friend.

All in all, Hobbiton was saved and Chad became the owner of the Hobbiton supermarket. He put in 3 more coffee aisles and a beauty salon.

THE END


End file.
